Today, I took a bus to another town to try and give myself some relief- instead, I found myself more stressed and panicked than when I left.
Because I live in a community that doesn't really get cell service, I like going into the nearby town of Archidona for my internship, or a bit farther to Tena to meet other interns. I get a little bit of service, I can buy an ice cream, and I can feel some connection to back home. I love my community so much, but after a day like yesterday where I worked out in the sun almost all day, and played outside for the other half, I was looking for a relaxing phone call or text convo- in English. But I didn't really get one. I thought I would go to my internship in Archidona for a bit, then to Tena to pick up a few things and say hi to fellow friends if I saw them, and then call home. Instead, I showed up at my internship early, and no one was there. The front gates were locked and I didn't see people around waiting. Normally, I would just wait twenty minutes or so for someone to let me in. Not today, though- I was not in the mood to wait. Instead, I hopped on a bus to Tena, thinking I'd get some work done there, and buy the stuff I wanted. When I got to Tena, I found myself in an immediate funk. Even though I have been thinking about the work I have been wanting to get started on, projects for my host family and my internship, I couldn't make myself do them. I pulled up youtube and facebook, gmail, and whatever other familiar sites the crappy wifi would eventually load. Just as I have done a thousand times in my life, I procrastinated for hours. And unsurprisingly, after a few hours of barely getting anything done, and with no human contact, I felt very unfulfilled. That's the other thing about leaving my community, is that I suddenly feel like I've accidentally walked outside without clothes on. People stare, or try to look away, or don't know how to react to me. I know there are plenty of other outsiders, especially in Tena, but when I'm having a day like this where I am not interacting with people, it all feels intensified. Like I'm an ant under a magnifying glass that is reflecting the sun. My emotions heighten and I burn up. One of the worst feelings is being surrounded by people when you're far from home and just want to be alone. So how did I get my work done? I decided I would take a break and pick up a pair of pants I wanted, then grabbed lunch at a place I hadn't tried before. My meal felt lonely and unsatisfying, but I didn't want to face that thought. Instead, I took the next bus to Archidona to go back to my internship and try, again, to complete any type of task. Now, I've been at work for a couple of hours, and have done a bit of work, but mostly sidetracked into looking at plans for my summer internship and my mom's trip here in a few weeks. Which means I feel wildly unproductive, unsuccessful, and lazy. But it's 3:30pm- I'm going to leave work in an hour, pick up my laundry, and go home- and a new day will start tomorrow. I think that some days are just meant to be unproductive. I don't know much about horoscopes, but I do not that Mercury is in retrograde, and because of this, Scorpios are having trouble with productivity and inspiration? Which I thought was a load of crap until I felt like I had been sucked into a social media blackhole today. Some days are also meant to move slower here. We just had a four day weekend from Carnaval, and getting moving again after not being at work for a bit can be hard. So I'm going to try and not beat myself up too much about this, because doing this back and forth between my community is a lot on my system. It is hard to transition between conversations with friends and home, and speaking Spanish with locals here. No one expects me to be perfect, and no one expects me to crank out perfect, full fledged products in the short time that I'm here. All I can do is be authentic and listen to myself. On the days where my productivity is through the roof, I'll put in all my best work. And days like these where I feel lonely and struggle, I'll end by hanging out at my house with my host family, helping with dinner or playing games. This whole experience has been a balance, and I take each day as it comes. Hopefully, tomorrow will bring a bit more energy and motion. For now, I'll just have to treat myself with a little ice cream. At least I was productive enough to upload this blog post!
1 Comment
Mariam
3/14/2019 02:20:09 pm
Sometimes unproductive days are the key for productive one!
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AuthorI'm a 21 year old university student, studying geography and food security, and spending a semester in Ecuador interning with Amazon Learning. ArchivesCategories |